More Ponies Than Children In Holywood

Posted on: 28th Oct 2014 by: Dokoo

Cultra Chronicle  - THE HEARTBEAT OF HOLYWOOD

More Ponies Than Children In Holywood, Says NI Consumer Association

The NICA have confirmed that, for the first time in the UK, a town has a higher population of small ponies than children under the age of 13, jokingly sparking fears of an Animal Farm scenario. The startling figure confirmed a long-standing suspicion that youths in the greater Holywood area are turning their backs on traditional Christmas gifts such as expensive port which matures when they're 21 and holidays to the Seychelles in favour of presents of the 4-legged variety. 

The local primary school head teacher, Headmaster Sir William Hayes MBE, accepted the NICA's findings and highlighted the pressures young children are under today compared to 50 years ago.

"I myself grew up in Holywood and it didn't take much to please us back then as children. Maybe for my birthday I'd get £30'000 worth of Premium Bonds and a new set of Tom Watson golf clubs. Now, parents are stressed out that little Timmy will be bullied at school if they don't get him a second pony - one pony now being deemed as a bit chav as they say in Cultra or somewhere less salubrious than here."

The findings follow on from a BBC documentary last month which revealed that 81% of Holywood residents do not consider themselves Northern Irish, British, Irish or European, instead deeming themselves “Gold Coasters”, an ancient tribe who discovered gold in South America but mysteriously vanished whilst sailing north in 1223.

Gold Coasters were revered as the 'most civilised ancient tribe that ever existed' according to the programme's narrator and were the first to use knife and forks, with the forks employed upside-down - again unlike what you'll experience in nearby Cultra. They also liked ponies.

Meanwhile, an investigation into how many people actually know Rory McIlroy will reveal its findings next week in the Cultra Chronicle….

 

Dokoo is a digital marketing agency that specialises in generating digital content and strategy for businesses from Belfast to further afield. 

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