91% OF HOLYWOOD RESIDENTS CLAIM TO BE RORY MCILROY'S BEST MATE

Posted on: 3rd Nov 2014 by: Dokoo

Major doubts have been cast over the findings of a recent Cultra Chronicle door-to-door survey, which revealed that over 90% of people living in the greater Holywood area claim to be 'best mates' with multi-Major winner Rory MciIroy, with over 45% maintaining they've shared a pint with him over the last year.

Sports analyst and expert sceptic Noel Higgins claims;

"It sort of doesn't add up. We reckon there are roughly 12,000 people in Holywood. That means he downed about 5000 pints in the last 12 months alone with his 'best mates', and that's giving him the benefit of the doubt that he stopped at one drink. Either Rory must sign in to rehab pronto or people are telling a few porkies about their relationship with the golfing great."

Higgins also questioned the accuracy of the Chronicle's findings that 91% of the population are actual best mates with the Northern Ireland genius.

"That suggests MciIroy has over 10,000 names on his phone. If you count in birthdays, Christmas, stags and funerals - how the hell has he time for the golf at all? Something isn't stacking up here."

The Chronicle took to the High Street yesterday to consolidate the survey's conclusions. Kenny Archer, a 29-year old law graduate, added:

"I've known Rory, or Ro-Ro as I call him, since we were 3. Sure he was texting me last night about who went out of Strictly. He's mad about the dancing, our Ro-Ro. And he's crazy about Pamela Ballantine. Ask him that sure if you don't believe me."

When asked to contact Rory now, Archer claimed he was in a hurry and that 'Rory's phone isn't working because it's not topped up or something'.

61 year old Jennifer Harriot informed us:

"Ah sure I was changing Rory's nappy at 3 weeks old, or Mackers as we all call him around here. He's was a real talent at that age even. I remember him feeding himself at 2 months and he was having full conversations about world politics just before his first birthday. We're very proud of him but I was the one who cleaned his arse. Ask him about his Nanny Jenny, though we're not related."

Yesterday's findings included:

  • 71 women changed his nappy
  • 811 women claim to have received their first Valentine's card from Rory
  • 3032 men have been on benders with McIroy
  • 219 received a text from him this morning
  • 66 are having him for Christmas dinner
  • 329 on Boxing Day
  • 91 men had Rory as their Best Man
  • 577 women kissed him on the lips
  • 3 men did the same

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*Cultra Chronicle not a real paper

Photo credit(s) - Rory Mclroy's Instagram

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